8 Things Your Dad Doesn’t Want for Father’s Day

Did you eff-up Mother’s Day? Yeah, you effed-up Mother’s Day.

That’s ok. She expected as much. And KFC can be awfully tempting.

Dad, on the other hand, still has faith in you, son. So don’t let him down again. Just like with Mother’s Day, you’re going to be bombarded with Father’s Day branded items of all sorts in the coming weeks: Father’s Day ties, Father’s Day shrubberies, Father’s Day grandfather clocks. Don’t fall into the trap. Think about your gift for just a split-fucking-second and then get him something he’ll actually enjoy.

Of course, while Father’s Day ties and shrubberies aren’t ideal, they also aren’t the worst gifts out there by any stretch of the imagination. These are  …

1. an Adrian Peterson brand disciplinary switch
2. Michael Sam’s Father’s Day guide to the Grey Cup
3. any adhesive endorsed by Brandon Bostick
4. Fifty Shades of Grey: The Audiobook, as read by members of your family
5. the complete John Isner/Nicolas Mahut DVD box set
6. Rob Gronkowski’s guide to proper wedding etiquette
7. the 1976 East German women’s weightlifting team nude calendar
8. tickets to a Phillies game

Avoid those at all costs and you just might wind up getting dad something of real value this year. You better hope so, ’cause your love and admiration sure aren’t cutting it.