April Foolishness: Sports Fool of the Year Bracket

Have you ever said something so dumb that your next thought was: “I’m glad there wasn’t a camera in my face”? Well not everyone is so “lucky.” In particular, professional athletes, broadcasters, and just about everyone else involved in the sports world, are always under the microscope and their mishaps, or just plain stupidity, are rarely pardoned.

My next question to you: have you ever heard one of these individuals say something really idiotic and thought, “that might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard”? Well now, in this month of April foolishness, you have the chance to make that determination once and for all with our “Sports Fool of the Year” bracket!

Our tournament will definitively decide which of the following 32 buffoons rules the great state of Nincompoopia for 2016. Since it is our first time doing this, we have cheated a little by digging up events prior to 2016. You’ll be happy we did, though. There are some gems in there.

So prepare yourself for all the most brainless, offensive, and just plain nonsensical quotes from the sporting world and help us crown our first-ever Fool of the Year!

Below is the full bracket and a run-down of all the first-round matchups in our 16-person East and West regions. I’ll give you my two-cents on each one, but don’t let my analysis influence your votes too much. It’s up to you, the reader, to determine the true king of calumny. Voting for round one will run until Wednesday, April 12th.

East Region

no. 1 Curt Schilling vs. no. 16 Steve Simmons

Where do I start with Curt? We’ll go recent, when he referred to Hillary Clinton as a skank, used a possibly more disturbing analogy in defense of Trump’s “locker-room talk,” and compared Muslims to Nazis.

Simmons is one of the most hated sportswriters in Canada, covering mostly Toronto sports. He wrote this hot dog tale about Phil Kessel when the Leafs traded him and has long opposed advanced analytics in hockey.

Schilling, being the worse human, should take the lead early here and throw some derogatory term at Simmons to finish him off.

no. 2 Riley Cooper vs. no. 15 Phil Simms

Cooper is still a free agent? I can’t imagine why a professional football team wouldn’t sign him …

Simms may have been a great quarterback, but his analysis during NFL broadcasts is painfully bad. Here’s a real insightful quote from the man himself, “They actually changed terminology, Jim. In other words, they changed the way they call plays.” It’s analysis like this that gets you replaced by someone with absolutely no broadcasting experience.

Though he doesn’t really want to fight Simms, as he is of the Caucasian race, Cooper will dig deep and overlook skin color to knock Simms out.

no. 3 Emily Austen vs. no. 14 Bill Simmons

The bad news for Austen: her disparaging comments towards Mexicans and Chinese people got her fired from Fox Sports. The good news: her disgraceful comments proved she’s the perfect candidate to oversee the building of Trump’s wall!

Simmons comes in as that scrappy 14-seed who just knows how to get under everyone’s skin.

Just like his HBO show, I expect Simmons’ time in the tourney will be short-lived.

no. 4 Stephanie Rice vs. no. 13 Skip Bayless

A few people will remember Rice as a triple Olympic gold medalist; most will only recall her homophobic twitter outburst.

Is there anyone who actually likes Skip Bayless? I guess there must be, since he still has a job even though he’s proven he can’t evaluate talent.

The underdog Bayless just keeps coming at you with little jabs, while Rice sits back and conserves her energy for big bombs.

no. 5 Rick Reilly vs. no. 12 LeBron James

Oh, that racial slur the Washington football team uses isn’t offensive? Thank you for clearing that up, Rick.

Hold on, LeBron is right; the Cavs do need a playmaker. Then James, Kyrie Irving, and Kevin Love can do even less for a combined $70 million per year.

What a matchup here: a white man who tells minorities how they should feel up against a spoiled, entitled cry baby. This one is going to be a nail-biter.

no. 6 Kyrie Irving vs. no. 11 Mike Florio

Kyrie is joking, right? He’s aware the Earth isn’t flat, and is just messing with us … RIGHT?

If you’re looking to scout Florio’s idiocy, look no further than the Pro Football Talk twitter account (@ProFootballTalk). The NBC employee had one of his best performances in a feud with an NFL mascot.

I suppose refusing to acknowledge facts, and making up your own truths, are becoming the new norm these days. Expect these two to battle right until the last whistle.

no. 7 Matt Barnes vs. no. 10 Johnny Manziel

Whether Barnes is threatening coaches, disrespecting players’ moms, or trying to scrap fellow players on and off the court, he’s always in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.

You can call him a party animal or just plain dumb, but did Johnny Manziel really think he could get away with his “Billy” Vegas disguise?

While Barnes is busy looking for his next fight, Manziel’s lust for stupidity may allow him to pull off the upset.

no. 8 Miko Grimes vs. no. 9 Sepp Blatter

I can only hope that my significant other cares about me enough to take on the Twitter world for me. But I also hope she would choose some more appropriate language than Miko when defending me and my friends.

Not only is Blatter a proud member of the “old-boys’ club,” but also led the charge in one of the biggest sports scandals ever.

Can we actually get these two in the same room?

West Region

no. 1 LaVar Ball vs. no. 16 Pierre McGuire

“Back in my heyday, I would kill Michael Jordan one-on-one.” — LaVar Ball. Should we just declare a tournament champion now?

McGuire is one of the weirdest, most annoying NHL broadcasters out there, but his stupidity doesn’t stack up to LaVar’s. This one will be over quick.

no. 2 Colin Cowherd vs. no. 15 Darren Rovell

Best known for slandering Dominicans, Cowherd’s distasteful rants know no boundaries.

If you’re looking for astute reports and commentary on Twitter, stay as far away from Darren Rovell as possible. Or you can join the list of thousands who have made him look dumb.

Cowherd will finally get his revenge on ESPN by taking down one of their remaining idiots.

no. 3 Amar’e Stoudemire vs. no. 14 Charles Barkley

What’s stupider, making extremely offensive anti-gay comments or trying to play them off as a joke afterwards?

Let me make this clear, I do not believe any athlete, or any individual for that matter, should have their opinion on social conflicts silenced because of their role in society. But Barkley’s controversial opinions on social matters has opened him up to a lot of criticism.

Though Chuck may have more idiotic quotes, Stoudemire doesn’t have the same opportunities to voice ignorance.

no. 4 Kim Mulkey vs. no. 13 Goose Gossage

Mulkey does have a point. If you “knock someone in the face” enough times, they may forget all about the history of sexual assault at Baylor.

Gossage seems to be cut from the same cloth as Mulkey, but he directs his frustrations towards “nerds” and Jose Bautista.

While Gossage may be more in-your-face with his foolishness, Mulkey’s seems far more concerning.

no. 5 Mark Emmert vs. no. 12 Nick Kyrgios

NCAA President Mark Emmert’s argument against paying college athletes is completely idiotic. No one wants to hear a man who takes home millions per year tell us that most American colleges and universities don’t turn a profit.

After a shameful display at the Shanghai Open, the new bad boy of tennis was apologetic for his behavior. But we quickly learned it wasn’t sincere.

Kyrgios will need a big-time effort to take down arguably the biggest hypocrite in sports.

no. 6 Roger Goodell vs. no. 11 Britt McHenry

How can a man who treats domestic abuse with a two-game suspension and an under-inflated football with a year-long suspension have been given this much authority?

After belittling an employee of a towing company, McHenry has finally spoken out about how she was the true victim of her cruel rant.

no. 7 Mike Milbury vs. no. 10 Stephen A Smith

Promoting violence and attempts to injure in the NHL counts as dumb, right?

I can’t blame Smith for acting like a complete jackass on television, because it has made him a lot of money (so we are to blame for that), but his comments on women provoking domestic violence were disgustingly stupid.

This has upset written all over it.

no. 8 Magic Johnson vs. no. 9 Steve Clevenger

Los Angeles should be very concerned with Magic’s ability to evaluate talent.

Has anyone seen Donald Trump and Steve Clevenger in the same room before?