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MLB Hacking Odds – How Else Will the Cardinals Cheat?

Some of the crazier, more bitter sports fans believe the league is out to get their team and that’s why they never win. Are the governing bodies of sports conspiring to make sure that the likes of the San Diego Padres don’t become title contenders?


But it seems that some may be turning their heads while teams at the top of the league cheat to maintain their place.

Yes, months after the Patriots were busted for cheating in the AFC Championship game, the St. Louis Cardinals are being brought to justice (like, real justice, by the FRIGGIN FBI!) for hacking into the Houston Astros’ database. Apparently a “low-level” employee targeted former Cardinals executive Jeff Luhnow, who (Luh)now works for the ‘Stros.

Nevermind the fact that Houston now resides in the AL West and are only just becoming a viable playoff contender, the Cards wanted to get a leg up and by golly they did!

Since 2000, the Cards and the Pats have combined for six championships and ten finals appearances. So if you’re counting at home, cheating clearly pays off. And since these teams can always find a fall guy, they can keep on cheating until their stadiums are lined with hundreds of banners and not a single shred of decency.

There’s little reason to think that organizations like the Pats and Cards – who are used to and whose fans demand winning – will ever truly stop, so we’ve decided to steer into the skid and set odds for some of the questionable tactics the Cardinals will employ next!

  • Continue to pay Jhonny Peralta – 1/1,000
  • Stuff the All-Star ballot box with votes for their own players. (It seems to be a Missouri thing) – 1/1
  • Throw their games against the Cubs so they can play another team known for choking in the postseason – 2/1
  • Continue to convince other MLB teams that guys like David Freese are any good – 3/1
  • Monitor Bryce Harper’s texts in hopes of blackmailing the outfielder into coming to St. Louis – 25/1
  • Tell Michael Wacha that the other 29 teams don’t think he’s cool so he gets offended and never tests free agency – 40/1
  • Cover first base in pine tar so opposing runners get stuck on the bag. (This will become known as the “Gateway Glue Trap” and will result in an outcry from PETA) – 50/1
  • Hire Anthony Bosch as the team’s physician – 125/1
  • Deflate the game balls: you can do that to a baseball right? – 200/1
  • Build an Iron Dome to intercept opponents’ would-be home runs – 500/1

(Photo Credit: Keith Allison (Flickr) [https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/legalcode].)

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