How’s your love life, friend? Oh, you don’t want to talk about it? It’s a personal matter that’s nobody else’s business?
Well, that’s fine for the likes of you because, let’s be honest, no one cares.
However, for our most highly respected public personas – Hollywood celebs – every romantic pas de deux and misstep seems to be fair game. Like it or not, once you’re in the all-seeing gaze of the public’s unblinking, Sauron-esque eye, your love life becomes everyone’s business.
Is that fair? No.
Is it just? No.
Are we here at SBD going to take a stand and give celebrity relationships the respect they deserve? Umm … no. :s
Instead, we’re going to make some bold predictions on which celeb couples will go full-Moses (i.e. part like the Red Sea!) and which former couples will get their Peaches & Herb on.
Odds to Breakup in the Next Year:
Kylie Jenner and Tyga: 1/5
Like most things in the world of reality television and hollywood hip-hop, this relationship isn’t built to last. Eyebrows were raised when Tyga dumped his then-girlfriend for Kylie Jenner, who was only seventeen at the time. Kylie’s family, especially her mother, have been outspoken in their opposition to the relationship. Kris’ criticism (“Kristicism”™) has been good for the ratings, but bad for their chances of staying together.
Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris: 4/1
Naturally, the odds on this one surviving are slim — but maybe not as slim as you expected. I’m actually inclined to think they’ll last the year. Swift has seemed to mature of late and her taste for tween heartthrobs has somewhat waned. If all goes south, at least we’ll get some catchy songs from it.
Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: 5/1
There is No Doubt about the on-air chemistry between Blake and Gwen on The Voice. Blake’s over-the-top PDAs prove that he is absolutely smitten for Gwen. But the couple’s high-profile relationship has Gwen feeling exposed so soon after her divorce from Gavin Rossdale. Let’s not forget that they are both on the rebound, and we all know how those tend to end.
Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill: 6/1
During the Drake-Meek beef, there were rumours that Nicki was going to ditch Meek Mill. Instead, she released a vine of her twerking on Meek Mill’s face. If that’s not true love, then I don’t know what is.
Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively: 9/1
Apart from nose jobs and Transformer films, beauty is Hollywood’s biggest export — and they don’t make them more beautiful than Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. The two lookers had a beautiful wedding and then made some beautiful children. However, like nose jobs and Transformer films, beauty doesn’t always hold up well over time – absent a magic portrait in the attic.
George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin: 65/1
Amal is a very smart woman, and George has … uhh … played some very smart men. The couple married almost a year ago and seem to have been on honeymoon ever since, galavanting around Europe in a gondola. They share a passion for human rights, helping the poor, and fine Italian wine.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett: 75/1
People have been questioning the stability of their marriage for years, but these rumours make less sense than a Jaden Smith tweet. Just because their relationship doesn’t fit within the traditional narrative doesn’t mean it’s built on clay. They have a trust and openness that most couples can only dream of.
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: 90/1
They’re fifteen years in and still going strong. Zeta-Jones claims to be more in love than ever, and Douglas has repeatedly professed his adoration for her. We all wish them luck, but I don’t think they need it.
Odds to Makeup in 2015:
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez: 3/1
The two are still recovering from their toxic relationship, and neither been able to find anyone else. Given their non-ugliness, it’s not unreasonable to think that they’d both still “hit that,” as the kids would say.
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow: 95/1
Much like Shelton and Miranda, musician Chris Martin and actress Gwyneth Paltrow had an amicable divorce, deciding to share custody of their children and remaining on good terms with one another. Again, maybe they will get back together, but probably not in 2015. Gwyneth is too busy consciously uncoupling her vocabulary from the realm of understanding.
Zayn Malik and Perrie Edwards: 130/1
The two seem too busy attacking each other over social media to focus on mending their relationship. With all that resentment and anger being dealt with in the public eye, it’s hard to see this relationship as something worth saving.
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston: 250/1
This will never happen. But me from 2004 really wants it to. (Remember Brad’s cameo on Friends?) Pitt is comfortably settled down with Angelina, and Jennifer recently married Justin Theroux. But hey, maybe Brad’s been writing to Jen every day for a year and Jen’s stupid mom is intercepting the letters and it wasn’t over for him and it’s still not over.
(Photo credit: By Vinya [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons. Photo has been cropped.)