There comes a time in each of our lives when we put our drunken, rowdy party days behind us and grow up. For most, these days are sent packing in college or university. Others need the kick-in-the-butt of entering the “real world” before they learn to tame themselves.
Then there’s Ryan Lochte.
At 32 years old, he’s still drunkenly vandalizing public washrooms … and then lying about it … at the Olympics, an event that’s supposed to showcase the best that humanity has to offer.
Don’t get me wrong, I still like to go out and have a good time. But, like the vast majority of adults, I know my limits and no longer act like an immature teenager who just had his first slam of Smirnoff Ice.
I’m not sure why anyone was overly surprised by Lochte’s prevarication. We’ve been laughing at the over-aged party-boy for a long time now, in particular the dumb things that come out of his mouth. That was just one more for the list.
What I find most bothersome about the incident was his insincere apology – which he obviously didn’t write himself – and his criticism of the media for “dragging it out.” Yet, it’s appropriate for him to now benefit financially from the event?
I loathe this individual.
But I’ll stop there before my disgust takes all the fun out of what was supposed to be a lighthearted retrospective of Locthe’s Lochteisms.
Truly, Ryan is a real-life Derek Zoolander. (He’s even a mer-man!) If you think that’s hyperbole, just take in some of the quotes in my list of the dumbest things Lochte has ever said.
Some are from interviews; some are from his reality show; some are from Twitter. All are incomprehensibly stupid. SBD previously looked at the 15 dumbest athlete quotes of all-time; Lochte might have outdone the rest of the sports world on his own.
“What defines me? Ryan Lochte.”
I think he’s right. Only pointing out one aspect of his idiocy wouldn’t be doing him justice.
“My philosophy is if you’re a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning.”
Boy, did he ever exercise this in Rio.
“I mean the reason why I love swimming is because racing.”
This is where we differ, Ryan. I love swimming because water.
“What I was always good at was letting things go through one ear and out the other, so to say.”
This may be the most intelligent thing he’s ever said. Isn’t it obvious that nothing goes in, so to say?
“You can tell a great athlete by like not how many times he wins unlike when he loses, because that’s what’s gonna make a swimmer.”
This is what you get when Lochte tries to regurgitate something his coach said.
“Whether it’s life or there’s swimming, always do your best.”
I’m so inspired I could go get drunk and destroy a gas station washroom.
“I guess you would say I’d be like the Michael Phelps of swimming if he wasn’t there.”
Do you think he knows that swimming is the reason he graduated high school?
“We have a lot of stuff in common. She likes salt and vinegar chips, like the white gummy bears, she lives here in Miami.”
I’m sure this is the answer Haddaway was looking for.
“Don’t duplicate just precipitate.”
I’m sure he felt this line was going to be as big as “Just Do It” at the time.
“These are my shoes that I designed from top to the very sole to the very top to the bottom. Laces.”
It’s clear that a lot of thought went into those shoes.
“I’ve talked in front of … like … a lot of big business people about stuff I didn’t even know.”
The media doesn’t count as “big business people,” but the above quote makes a lot more sense now.
“The science of putting a phone in a bucket of rice? It’s supposed to … help it.”
I’m just amazed that he knows the word “science.”
“Something will pop up in my head. It could be like the weirdest thing. Like all’a sudden like I have like a jumping banana in my head. And I stop and pause. I’m like that damn jumping banana is in my head. Like, I don’t know what’s going on.”
If not for everything else that has come out of his mouth, I’d think he was trying to be funny.
“You know what? Ryan Lochte is a pretty good speechmaker.”
Try to tell me this scene doesn’t come to mind.
“What’s being talked about a lot is ‘Ryan Lochte the American douchebag.’ Douchebag? I don’t even know, what is a douchebag, like what is it? Like what is the definition? Like I really don’t know what it means, do you know?”
Unfortunately, we now know the definition all too well.
“For those who are understood, no need to explain.”
“I never knew having a banana and drinking Sprite you automatically puke!”
“Who said you can’t have fun doing what you love!”
First of all, I don’t believe anyone has ever said “you can’t have fun doing what you love.” Don’t you always have fun doing what you love?
Second, if you’d like to continue banging your head against the wall, you can read more here. But I can only handle so much stupidity at one time.
Photo credit: Chan-Fan [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.
Let's have fun and keep it civil.