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8 Things Your Mom Doesn’t Want for Mother’s Day

John Benson

by John Benson in News

May 6, 2015 · 4:08 PM PDT

Mother’s Day is here again, which means it’s time to give the person who gave you life something special. However, year after year, most of us fail fabulously in the endeavor through misguided assumptions, inherent laziness, and overall selfishness. In fact, more often than not, we hit that trifecta.

It’s not entirely our fault, of course. Corporations trick us by branding horrendously horrible products as Mother’s Day gifts. Wrap a turd in enough fancy graphics and lavender ribbon and I’ll eventually accept that my mom would, indeed, enjoy said turd.

Case in point? KFC’s Mother’s Day feast!








If you’re currently in line at the Colonel’s to pick up this gem for mom: STOP, TURNAROUND, AND LEAVE THE STORE! (Now go back in real quick and get a Double Down for yourself.)

You’re instincts were partially right. Your mom doesn’t want to cook on Mother’s Day and she shouldn’t have to. BUT SHE DOES NOT WANT CRAPPY FRIED CHICKEN!

All over the country, similar mistakes are being made as we flock en masse to Mother’s Day kiosks, Mother’s Day sales, and Mother’s Day flea markets.

So, in an effort to save you all from further grave errors in judgment, here’s our list of the top eight items your mom could really do without this year:

  1. The Keeping up with The Kardashians Mother’s Day hormone replacement therapy kit
  2. Courtney Stodden’s new Mother’s Day sex tape
  3. Miley Cyrus’ Mother’s Day calendar featuring Tish Cyrus naked on a front-end loader
  4. Kendrick Lamar’s Mother’s Day-themed mixtape, “To Pimp a Mamafly”
  5. Tom Brady’s Mother’s Day deflation needle
  6. A Mother’s Day donation in her name to the Ted Cruz presidential campaign
  7. Anything from the Girls Gone Wild “MILF” collection
  8. Tickets to Mayweather/Pacquiao II

Steer clear of those and you may have a fighting chance this Mother’s Day – unlike Pacquiao if there’s a rematch.


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